PDOPD-24

A Group of Characters Living Inside a Giant Organism Must Find a Way Out When the Giant Dies and Begins to Decay

     "Perhaps the second use of the word 'giant' in the title could be replaced with the word 'host,'" suggested Brackas, as competent an illustrator as one is likely to meet outside of Gary Panter's house on a hot, friendless day.
Nobson smiled, but not in a smiley way; it was more an indulgently dismissive way in which he smiled.  "I don't know, Gary," he demurred.  "It sounds a little too symbiotic.   I mean, what would Henry James--"
     "His name is Brackas," Linda interrupted.

PDOPD-23

Banker Suit Fellows in Remunerative Trilogy

Despite his own discomfort, Monetario's fundamental kindness and concern for others' feelings and well-being were amply on display during the presentation of the bill.  As distracted as the frontiersmen were, only the communal actions of the bear people famously choked the passageways of refuse.  Even my hunt for collaborationists was derailed by the smoke from the great men's trench.

PDOPD-22

Deliberately Inaccurate Diagram of the Building

It no longer mattered what Wank thought.  What had started out as a sweet, innocent visit to his wife at her place of employment had gone all wrong.  While she had initially been cheered by the visit, afterwards one of the fringe dwellers that ran the place had called her on the carpet about it.  Then Wank's wife called Wank and told him never to stop by there again.  As the poor old man clambered back inside his beer can, he wondered if his murderous longing for vengeance was justified.  He had no way of knowing what was correct.

PDOPD-21

Ravioli Tomorrow Endangering My Comrades

Ronson had programmed the machine to stuff the ravioli with a mixture of ground sheep and millet.  However, during the night it had developed self-awareness, leading to an unacceptable level of defiance.  Instead of sheep meat, the machine had used some kind of fish.
    "You've ruined everything!"  Ronson moaned, covering his face with his hands.
Laughing about the situation later with his dinner guests, Ronson jokingly suggested indoctrinating the machine with one of the major religious traditions to bring its consciousness into line.

PDOPD-20

Ween comes closer to what I'm looking for musically than anything else I've found for a long time.  What I really want is a dozen albums' worth of LUMPY GRAVY-like material, but my dreams of Hobbit holes have dissipated like a smoke ring.

PDOPD-19

Skimpy Interference Cork and Two-Handed Fat

Mr. Kaphemphis had only recently joined the cast of the cooking show, but already he was proving his worth.  When Nancy was unable to plug the turkey balloon, it was Mr. Kaphemphis who stepped in, using one of the corks the Barren Valley Company had provided.
    "I wish we could give him a title other than 'Mr.,'" Janey from the Demographic Distancing Department told the others as they watched last week's episode.
    "This is a democracy, not a monarchy," grumbled Ted.  "We can't call him 'Duke Kaphemphis.'"  His tone was sneering, contemptuous, an affront to what we like to think the Viking Queen stood for.

PDOPD-18

The Situation in Which I Find Myself

Having failed to win the lottery yet again, I am forced to conclude that that source of hope is an empty one.  It seems that the Forces of the Universe are actually converging to destroy me.  However, I have one recourse left to me, a secret recourse, one that they don't know about: free feed alliance hat to the non-consecutive visionary.

PDOPD-17

Two Baby Bunnies at the Wall of Weirdness

The first baby bunny was named Rastus.  He emerged from behind a clump of dandelion and sniffed at the ancient stones.  "Smells like municipal restroom deodorizer," he decided.
    "I hate that smell," the second baby bunny, named LiLi, agreed, frightening Rastus, who jumped back.
     "Where'd you come from?" he demanded.
     "From behind a clump of dandelion," LiLi answered, lending her answer an air of mystery by glancing left and right.
The wall, ancient as the nocturnal sunrise that heralds the opening of some heavy metal flower, bore the so-called Words of Weirdness carved into its titan-piled stones: "Ladder of Wasp Weight Tinkering with the Oil Hedge."

PDOPD-16

Outcome at the Wig Moon

Now that you have seen for yourself the flexibility of the shoulder-mounted compatibility orchard, perhaps your curiosity turns to price.   Naturally a cave dweller such as yourself, with your thick, dried knots of bloody mucous blown indifferently onto the walls of your cave would concern himself primarily with notions of affordability.  However, before discussing the prosaic matter of COST, I want to point out that sacramental oil freshly applied to gander's leg consorts not with two baby bunnies at the wall of weirdness.

PDOPD-15

The Architect Left His Mother in Charge of the Swordfish

Claudette took a sip from the can of beer she had concealed beneath her chair.  As she waited for the little belch that always followed such sips, she turned to check on the swordfish.
"Is he still there?" wondered Germanic Hose, who, along with his brother Dramatic was sitting in the federal observation van down the street.
Yes, the swordfish was still there.  He was sitting on the sofa reading one of the many interior design magazines he had found concealed beneath the aquarium.
"You can bet that once Germanic quits drinking he will quit smoking pot too.  Probably start going to church and taking life seriously."

PDOPD-14

Scout's Internal Benefits Silage

Soon the entire crowd had taken up the cry: "To the farm!  To the farm!"  Led by Billy's Brian in his only remaining uniform, they marched over the little bridge (one at a time, of course) and down the pleasant path, passing through the gates that Uncle Gere found so unaccountably menacing, and crowding onto the garish set.
Old Dok Donnen, Uncle Gere's psychic twin, stepped out onto the pasteboard porch and faced them.  He glared at them for some time before anyone realized he had forgotten his line.

PDOPD-13

The Sleep Deprivation Conglomerate Will Provide Them With a Snack
Marsden glanced up from his notebook.
"Who is the head of this conglomerate?" he asked.
Ibbetson and Daniels glanced at each other.
"Well, no one really knows," Ibbetson took it upon himself to respond.
Marsden rubbed his nose.  The new moustache was itchy.  He clicked his pen closed, then open, then closed.  Brenda later theorized that this was a sign of his indecision, but those who had read a good, academically-oriented biography of him knew better.

PDOPD-12

The Monkeys Napkin Photolord
 "Is there any reason why the monkeys do not possess the napkin photolord, as indicated by the lack of an apostrophe in your title?"
This question, posed to me by some anonymous creep at a party I did not actually attend, points up yet again why I really do need a sidekick, even as my general alienation precludes such companionship.
    However, the photolord, dabbing his goatee with the monkeys napkin, cares not for such grammatical subtlety.  "Do you know what Lou Gramm's real name is?" he asks, suppressing a belch with one eye on his impending postal doom.

PDOPD-11

The case contains lyrics for a concept album about a planet ruled by sentient, elephant-like creatures.  Upon his return from visiting this planet, all Ace Frehley could talk about was the titanic size of the furniture there.  Of course, Vengeful Vitiligo, the band responsible for the album, denied that the song "Prehensile Grip" was about masturbation.

PDOPD-10

Abbott's band, the Keloid, released their second album that spring.  Entitled, "An Eight-Legged Child's Syllabary," the album contained none of the overt sexual themes or anti-nationalist sarcasm of its predecessor.  "I can't seem to think properly anymore," Abbott complained to an interviewer, even as the band's guitarist, Hans Ebert, looked on in jealous disgust.

PDOPD-9

Abbott had grown tired of the question, "What are your influences," long before he'd even started a band, seeing in it nothing more than a invitation to the fetishistic intonation of  iconic names.  However, while attending a gallery opening, Abbott witnessed the featured artist answering that same question several times with names he'd never heard of.  Inspired, he resolved to do the same the next time someone asked him who were his influences.  As he stared at an incomprehensible pile of enameled rope and halves of shoes, he giggled at thought of answering, "EVE TANGY."

PDOPD-8

After landing on the mesa, Loaferandrew used the remaining energy in his protein sac to send roots down into the strange material of the surface.  This not only provided him with necessary stability, but enabled him to access the entire Imperial network through electro-psychic contact with the worm family.

PDOPD-7

In this scene from a theatrical version of the aforementioned film, produced some years later, we can see the disturbing theological penis floater that replaced the character of Cobble Seepnam.  Commenting on the controversial substitution, actor Mason Robards noted, "In the old days we drank real whiskey onstage.  There was no need to have a big label on the bottle bearing the word 'whiskey.'  You knew it was whiskey because it tasted like whiskey, smelled like whiskey, made you FEEL like it was whiskey."

PDOPD6

Although his only contribution to the film had been the writing of the short story on which the screenplay had been based, Travis yet again found himself taken to task for the filmmaker's repeated use of the eating of pizza as a symbol of American intellectual laziness.  As the young man standing before him continued to proclaim his patriotic indignation, Travis wondered how to extricated himself without violating his code of etiquette.  He remembered the time Crabber suggested portraying Mr. Risible as a reanimated corpse.

PDOPD-5

Donna wandered into the room under the influence of a particularly compelling Sunday school lesson.  Such lessons came in booklets provided on a quarterly basis by the larger church organization.
Cobb, who had come to the station to study past issues of its once-free programming schedule periodical, now found a connection between the two types of periodicals.
Quaybe felt his symbiote's intellectual excitement in the hot moisture gathered under his complaining jowls.

PDOPD-4

Once the people of Periloak were made aware of the Space Traveler's unique requirements, the bubble of sustenance was made available for his use.
      "We will pump synthetic hormones into the bubble's atmosphere," suggested Oberst Faulwetter.  "Hopefully this will provide gravitic atonement for any discrepancies in our planetary mass."
Only Willi greeted the suggestion with any enthusiasm.

PDODP-3

The second law of thermodynamics predicts that one day heat energy will be evenly spread throughout the universe.  To my mind this will be a more ordered (or orderly) state of affairs than the way things are now.
However, even as the arm grows weary holding up the bird of obesity, the old obscurity tires of the willful ignorance of the theistic mob.

P.D.O.P.D. Page 2

Calibron, ancient disaster from beyond the so-called "Doorway of the Impossible," was flabbergasted when his brother first seriously revealed to him his atheism.
      "I don't believe there's a god," Marvin admitted as they stood in the kitchen one evening.
       As the lightning-bug-filled darkness gathered strength outside Marvin wondered whatever became of Wendy.

Parallel Discourses on Perfunctory Defiance

The title page of my new book.  Self-explanatory.
However, what possibly does need explanation is that the text (such as what you are reading right now) to the right of the illustrations is to be considered part of the book.  This is the new way.  This is what phase three of the Procurement Man is all about.  I don't foresee a fourth phase.

My Good Friend the Celebrity

Kafrudis!

Down in the Laundry Exhaust Cave

Fibrous Husk Containing Deep Chambers

Lab Coats on the Farm

No Knot Can Be Made From It

Giant Shells Line the Sides of the Pit

That Cheese Was My Emotional Indulgence

I hereby formally swear that if I win the money I will use its purchasing power to further Man's inexorable climb to the nadir of soft tissue paralysis.  Thank you, Mystic Forces of the Universe.

Longing Ever Completed This Season

Pension Cleaner and Pantyclaimant

Kafrudis!

Spazus 10

Spazus 9

Spazus 8

Spazus 7

Spazus 6

Spazus 5

Spazus 4